We admire O’Shea’s confidence. We know he’s put the work in. But let’s be honest, there wasn’t much actual dancing going on in O’Shea and dance partner Valeria’s debut outing (a bizarre tango, soundtracked by The Buggles’ Video Killed the Radio Star). “Valeria, you won it last year,” O’Shea told his partner. “Yeah, you won’t win it this year.” At least he’s honest. The judges scored ten. Ouch.
“It’s going to be a long run!” said co-host Nicky Byrne, addressing Irish race walker and Olympic champ, Rob Heffernan (you can see what he did there). “That is the highest score of the series!” said Byrne to Heffernan (the first contestant on the show). “I’m here all week!” said Byrne. “Actually, three months…”. And he just kept on going. It’s going to be a long run, indeed (and we’re loving it, Nicky boy).
Nicky Byrne held up a bronze medal (Heffernan’s own) next to Rob Heffernan’s face. Because, you know, Rob Heffernan has gone bananas with the fake tan. Not Hughie Maughan bad, but there’s still time…
His name is Jake. He’s 19. He sings. He stars in pantos. He has fabulous hair. Sorry, folks, but these are the things we ‘learned’ from Dancing with the Stars, and your trusted correspondent did not know there was another famous Carter. And, well, he’s not a bad auld mover. The judges called him Jake ‘The Snake Hips’ Carter. They also referred to him as a Ferrari (whatever the heck that means). “I didn’t drop her”, said Carter after his successful salsa debut with Karen Byrne. Always a bonus, Jakey. Always a bonus, indeed.
We’d like to thank co-host Amanda Byram for our new favourite motto. She is, of course, referring to Marty Morrissey. Repeat after us: No party is ever complete without a Marty. No party is ever complete without a Marty. No party…
Him again. Mark our words: Marty Morrissey will win Dancing with the Stars. The entire episode was built around Marty’s debut dance do. The hosts made jokes. The other contestants teased his arrival. When he finally surfaced, the Marty Mottos just kept on coming. “I’m Marty, and I like to party.” “Why am I doing this? I should be on holidays.” You couldn’t make this up.
We don’t want to be mean. We realise the amount of work that goes into this. We know poor Marty should be on his holidays. But did you see Marty’s Joe Dolan-themed quick-step routine? Jaypers tonight. It was, um, ah, er…it was something else. A bit stiff. A bit odd. A bit surreal. He’s trying – he’s really, really trying. And, despite his best efforts, he didn’t fall over.
He also came out with 12 points. And everybody loved him. “I think you just got this marty started!” said Amanda. The crowd yelled for more. They chanted his name. He took the judges’ criticism on the chin. What a man. It’s Marty Morrissey’s world, lads. The rest of us are just living in it.
Another Nicky Byrne gem there. It’s Bernard O’Shea, by the way – the new dancing dad champion of the world. Of course he is. He also scored the uh, lowest, erm, score in Dancing with the Stars history (a ten, remember). Poor Bernard. Someone make him a dancing dad trophy. Pronto.
Aidan O’Mahony is the real deal…